Setting New Year's Resolutions: Seeing Past Your Infertility

New Year's day has come and gone and if you haven't set a resolution for 2016 yet you're likely reminded through various forms of media multiple times a day. When you're struggling with infertility, "having a baby" feels like an obvious goal that's constantly on your mind. However, I encourage my clients to choose a resolution that they can be 100% responsible for. Infertility, as we know, is very often outside our control. So when you're consumed with thoughts about your next treatment, phone call with xyz adoption agency, finding your surrogate, or the miscarriage you're still mourning, it's important to find a way to harness your energy to navigate this stressful, anxiety producing time of life.

Setting a goal for an entire year can certainly be intimidating. As a therapist, I've spent a lot of time helping clients develop and modify goals, resolutions and aspirations. Using the SMART acronym helps me help my clients get set up for success; every goal needs to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. I also coach my clients towards choosing resolutions that promote their overall well-being, and specifically their mental health. 

Some of the most popular resolutions I've heard that support the big picture of having a baby this year include: yoga, meditation, walking, running, reading, healthy eating, connecting... What do these have in common? They will improve your well-being regardless of when or if you bring a baby home in 2016. 

Choosing a resolution

Take a moment and think to yourself: What do I need more of in my life? Really, I encourage you to stop reading for a moment (after you read these next three sentences), close your eyes and take a deep breath. Maybe two. Then, ask yourself: What do I need more of in my life this year? If you're coming up blank, here are a few questions to spark ideas: Could I benefit from a stronger mind-body connection through yoga, or running? Should I scale back on exercise and focus on building a meditation practice, walking, or being in nature? Nothing yet? How about your connections with others? Ask yourself if you need to take time this year to reconnect with those you love, or deepen your connection with yourself? Maybe you've been holding in too much for too long and really need to seek the support of a trained therapist this year. Dealing with infertility is intense. It can creep up on you just how stressful it is to juggle this unexpected life turn along with your day to day life. 

Setting your resolution in motion

So now that you've chosen your resolution for 2016, it's time to dig in. Lets make sure it's a SMART goal. I'm going to share one of my resolutions for 2016 as an example. But before I share my goal, please take out a piece of paper and pen or open up some app on your phone and work along with me. Here we go- My resolution is to camp more. Being in nature, unplugging from all there is to unplug from and taking a break from the day to day grind while breathing in fresh air and sleeping closer to the stars always makes me a happier person. It gives me the chance to connect more fully with myself and my fellow campers... It's food for my soul. 

While I'm instantly at ease envisioning this goal coming to life, it's hardly a SMART goal as is, so lets see how using the SMART format helps me flesh it out--

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Specific
My goal of camping "more" is not very specific. What's "more" for me might be less for some avid campers, right? According to the SMART Goals Guide, make sure your goal includes the "who", "what", "where" and "when". So, I'm (who) going to camp (what) 5 times in 2016 (when) in California (where). Specific- check. 

Measurable
How will you know you've achieved your goal? Can you see, hear, feel or taste it? Camping 5 times in CA-  Measurable, yes! At the end of 2016 I'll be able to look back and see whether I've reached my goal.  
 

Attainable
This is a key step in setting a SMART resolution. It's important to reflect on your own capabilities and skills when creating a goal that's attainable. Only you know what's going on in your life, what's a comfortable stretch and what's not. If you hate bugs and must have a flushing toilet, your goal would look different than mine. As an experienced camper, I feel my goal is very doable. 

Realistic
While your resolution should urge you to stretch and grow, maybe even learn a new skill, it should also be something you are capable of doing. Is the goal you're working on SMAR so far? I feel my goal is in fact realistic. But I have a confession to make: I originally wrote my goal as camping 10 times this year. But as I thought about it, I realized that last year I only camped once!!. ONCE. So I'm glad I went through this process and reassessed what is realistic for ME this year. Five will likely be a stretch after a mere one time last year, but there were other years I camped more, so it's a comfortable stretch and goal for ME. I'm stressing the ME here because setting a New Year's resolution is personal and only applies to one person- YOU. So make sure it's realistic so you can set yourself up for success in 2016.

Time-bound
Having a deadline for completing your goal is crucial. Since we're discussing New Year's resolutions, our deadline is built in. As we close out 2016 we'll check our progress and celebrate our success!

How's this going for you? Do you have your SMART resolution now? If you're wondering what you can do next to get moving on your New Year's resolution,  I want to invite you to 1, share your resolution for 2016 in the comments below, and 2, share this blog post along with your SMART goal with one other person. Think of that someone who you feel comfortable sharing with -- a good friend, your partner, your therapist-- and put it out there. Being accountable to someone other than yourself can be extremely helpful in reaching your goals. You can do it! 

If you're struggling with infertility, pregnancy or infant loss, or a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, and think you could benefit from additional support in setting or accomplishing your New Year's resolution, feel free to get in touch by phone or email. 

How to Find a Therapist in San Diego

In San Diego, we’re lucky to have so many mental health practitioners. If only everyone in all corners of the globe were as fortunate as we are; choice is certainly a luxury. But having so many choices can also make it a challenge to find a counselor when you need one most. Typically you find yourself searching for a therapist when things aren't going so well, when you really need that extra bit of support. And with so many possibilities, you’re probably wondering— how do I choose!? Where do I start? 

Below are a few recommendations for finding a counselor that’s right for you. There are many many qualified and capable therapists here in San Diego, the task is to find someone for YOU.  The good news is that with so many options there’s bound to be someone who you can connect with and confide in. It will take some work on your end, but it will be well worth it!

Let's start with the logistics of finding a counselor in San Diego:

• Define your needs. Think about what you need from a therapist. Concretely– someone close to home, work, evening hours, morning hours, takes insurance, doesn't; has experience working with postpartum issues, infertility, anxiety, depression, parenting concerns…
• Look to your friends. When I need an ENT, a dentist, a car mechanic, I ask my friends for suggestions. Likewise, when I'm searching for a therapist for myself I also see if one of my besties has someone to recommend. But sometimes you're dealing with an issue that your friends haven't dealt with, or you're just not comfortable asking around. In that case, move on to my next suggestion. 
• Head to the internet. Psychology Today is probably the most popular website with nationwide provider listings along with a smattering of everything for your psychological mind. Mental health providers post their info and you, the consumer can peruse at your leisure. There are a variety of filters you can activate to find someone who fits your search criteria. For example, if finding someone who’s close to your home is important, you can plug in your zip code and narrow down your choices instantly. You can also filter by gender, specialty, language... You get the idea. Another good place to search for a therapist is through specific associations that support the issue you’re struggling with. So if you want someone who’s experienced with infertility, for example, you will probably stumble across Resolve, which is the National Infertility Association. So even a national organization can point you to a local therapist through their provider listings.
• More internet research. So once you have some names, regardless of whether it came from a friend, Psychology Today, or Resolve, now's the time to learn more and review their website. You can read the “About” and Specialty pages, and look over the FAQs to get a feel for the counselor and see if he or she might be a good fit for you.  
• Making Contact. Once you have 3 or 4 therapists that you’d like to get to know more, start making calls and sending emails. Many therapists in San Diego offer a free 15 – 20 minute phone consultation. It’s a great opportunity to ask questions and get a sense of whether this person may be able to help you before scheduling that first appointment.
• Meeting your therapist. You might want to schedule a couple of in-person appointments before deciding on a therapist. This is a great opportunity to ask more questions. Remember, you are interviewing this person to see if you want to hire them. Yes, you are hiring your therapist to help you through a difficult time, explore a specific issue, help manage challenging behaviors, etc. Pay attention to how patient they are with the process and your questions. How do you know you'll be able to work with someone? That is such a personal and individual thing– and a lot of it depends on knowing yourself and trusting your gut.

It is widely believed that the therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist is the most important factor in successfully resolving your presenting issue. The therapeutic relationship is the collaborative relationship between client and therapist, entirely focused on the client, to gain understanding of and effectively change the client in a way that supports their overall well-being.

The ability of the therapist to facilitate a strong working therapeutic relationship is everything. Theoretical orientation may be of interest to you, but as far as resolving the issue that brought you to therapy, it’s the counselor's innate abilities that matter most. 

Below are some things to consider during your initial phone consultation and throughout the initial sessions of therapy to determine if someone might be a good therapist for you:

• Do you feel the therapist is genuinely engaged with you, focused on your well-being and motivated to help guide you? Does he or she remember to follow up or discuss topics further that you feel require more attention?
• Are you comfortable with the therapist? Are you able to share personal information and express yourself emotionally? Do you feel the conversation is insightful? Do you feel you can trust the therapist? Can you comfortably express your concerns and doubts with the counselor or is there some fear of judgment?
• Do you find the therapist comforting, empathic, and compassionate? Is he or she responsive to your emotional and verbal expressions? Are they cold when working with you?

These are just a few important aspects within the therapeutic process to pay attention to when trying to find a new therapist in San Diego. Hopefully you're feeling ready now to begin your search. 

If you’re wondering if I'm a good match for you, call me for a free 20 minute phone consultation.