How To Decrease Shame After A Pregnancy Loss
Sara joined the group feeling emotionally isolated from her large and loving family. As the parent of a toddler, there were a lot of questions about baby number 2’s arrival. She shared little with family about her recurrent miscarriages and secondary infertility and came to loathe family events. The barrage of questions that would inevitably come, and the feelings of shame were too much. Isolation was easier.
What's your experience like, is it hard to find community? It takes courage and vulnerability to foster connections that support our growth and healing, especially when we're struggling.
As we welcome November, I'm reflecting on October and the advocacy and awareness highlighted through the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month campaigns on social media. I was reminded by Sara*, a member of my infertility group, how much work there still is to do. Sara's experienced multiple pregnancy losses over recent years and yet never heard of this awareness campaign. How about you?
Sara joined the group feeling emotionally isolated from her large and loving family. As the parent of a toddler, there were a lot of questions about baby number 2’s arrival. She shared little with family about her recurrent miscarriages and secondary infertility and came to loathe family events. The barrage of questions that would inevitably come, and the feelings of shame were too much. Isolation was easier.
Thankfully, someone pointed Sara to my group. She loved hearing from other group members who faced similar dilemmas, and similar grief. She perked up when I shared about the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness campaign early in the month. We discussed the different hashtags to explore, and the Wave of Light ceremony on October 15th, where people light candles in honor of their babies who have died.
Earlier this week we met for our final group session. Sara beamed as she shared about her disclosure on social media. Inspired by the online community around #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth and the connections she made in group, Sara shared publicly for the first time about her journey.
She was blown away by the thoughtful comments, love, and compassion she received from her community. When she attended a family event over the weekend, no one asked her about baby number 2. Was it a coincidence? She wasn’t sure, but she felt inspired by the response to her vulnerability and encouraged to keep talking with those she loved.
I share Sara’s experience for a few reasons. To highlight:
1- Campaigns like Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month are so important!
They help create community for people who are feeling isolated. They decrease shame and inspire people, like Sara, to break their silence and gain needed support to weather difficult times. Campaigns like this also help to educate our community so we can be more empathetic towards one another.
2- Your voice matters.
Letting people in takes courage and vulnerability. Letting people know your pain means they can offer you support. Does sharing on social media feel like too much? Consider what it would be like to open up to someone you trust. What might you gain in return?
3- Therapy groups are healing.
Not only do groups decrease isolation, but connecting with others experiencing similar struggles has the power to reduce shame. After all, empathy is the antidote to shame.
I know it can feel scary to step out of your comfort zone. While social media can be a tough place, when you look in the right places there are many supportive communities waiting. To join a group, to speak up, to ask for help— it takes courage. And yet, taking risks, like Sara, is what brings us out of isolation and closer to one another.
If you're interested in joining a group here in San Diego, or virtually throughout California, or would like to explore individual support along your reproductive journey, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Why I took a risk and joined a therapy group
In May of this year, I published this in my newsletter. I want it to live on for others to read and learn more about group therapy so I’m sharing it here. (If you’d like to join my mailing list to receive future newsletters, please sign up here).
Last October I enrolled in a group therapy training program. If you’ve been following along for any length of time you know I’m passionate about running groups. If you're new here— welcome!
Enrolling in this program seemed like a natural step to deepen my work. What I didn’t realize was just how much I would learn about myself. In addition to the monthly Saturday classes, students are required to participate in a weekly interpersonal process group. I was aware that one's role in the group often mimics interactions in the outside world. But I had no idea how that would FEEL.
To see myself more clearly has been liberating. From my interactions with colleagues, to the group of parents I’ve met through my child’s softball team, to my family of origin— I'm the same person, doing the things I do that keep me feeling safe and that simultaneously hold me back from being the person I'd like to be.
The group provides an experimental place to try out new things and take risks in being the person I'd like to be in the outside world. With practice, the hope is that I will start making changes in all my real-world groups.
Participating in a group is a risk. We don't know how we will change, and if the group will deliver what we are seeking. It takes vulnerability and courage to show up, commit, and make changes where old patterns are no longer serving us. By the end of the group, most people feel more comfortable in their own skin.
I don't usually disclose so much about myself, but I’m sharing my experience because soon I will be offering process groups in my practice to provide a similar opportunity for others. Message me here with any questions you have about process groups. What would it be like to lean into being a better version of yourself?
As of August 2024, I’m opening enrollment for a women’s group I’m starting this fall. This group is open to everyone and anyone who identifies as a woman. Would you like to learn more about yourself, challenge old patterns, improve relationships at work, home, with peers? This group is for people who are interested in learning about their own reactions and interpersonal interactions. The focus is on what comes up within and between the members in the room. You can learn more about the group here.